Trying to survive. hanging on a thread.

Jesus does not want me...

Strange to blog on a topic with this heading. Please I'm not being a hypocrite or brining any religious order into disrepute. I'm sharing my life story on this blog. Maybe I can help others in the same situation. I'm not a qualified psychologist or doctor with multiple degrees. I'm just a simple person trying to make sense of life in general.

A life you want to forget... BLOG 1

Sympathy, this not what I'm asking. I think some sound advice for me and other people in the same situations, might help. Abused as a child, gang raped in the army, having a child die in my arms. Two divorces here I sit in my little flat. Strange how you ponder how to get your life in order again. 

I have decided to blog my life story in a few blogs hoping someone would comment on how they bettered their life, given what has happened to me over the years I think there must be people who can help me and maybe others reading this blog. This is a journey of ups and downs, tears and laughter. My name is Gary Berends I'm 43 years old. Going through a separation for the second time. Can I start from when I was a small boy, at the age of five I realised that I was different, not in the way that you think? I'm straight in all ways. What do you remember when you were five years old? Maybe you have reserve or vague memories of this time, mine is as clear as day.  I was always in trouble, not because you wanted to be, things you tried to do so well, somehow turned out the wrong way. Can I take you back to Grade 1, your first day at school? Excited were we not. New suit case, uniform and the opportunity to start life. I too was excited and could not wait for the first day to arrive. Unfortunately I have no photograph to see how I looked in grade 1. This is where I think the source of my troubles started. I remember long days at school, playing with clay and arranging letters and numbers on boards. My parents were soon called to school, Gary is not coping with grade 1. Days to months of hardship from all. I had to be evaluated by an O.T. I remember a small room where a Doctor did tests on me to try and find why my concentration span was so limited. After a four hour testing session I was branded an ADHT child. "Gary would have to be kept back" I failed grade 1. I can remember me polishing the floors with my white school shirt while the teacher was teaching. I however was not naughty, just bored with the content that was being taught. The old apartheid curriculum had its positive factors but did not compensate for learners with challenges.  I recently read an article which stated that most ADHT cases could be caused by the "absence" of a mother in the child's life. I was fortunate I guess I have a mother. My parents however were not the best examples that a child could look up to at that time. My dad and mom are both German and Dutch. Later in my years I would find out that they had not been angels while I was small. My question is; how does a child at the age of five, try and focus at school when the examples are not being set at the house? How does a child go from being normal in pre-primary school to being diagnosed with ADHT in a four hour interview? This changed my life. I was broken, I had to lost friends who progressed to the next grade. I hated school at this point. I again was placed in Grade 1, learners spoke and pointed at me during breaks, "look, there is Gary, he failed grade 1. My mom and dad said I should not play with him as he would bring me down". I was so sad, I did not understand why my friends were gone or why I was being punished. Please understand that a year of my life has been wasted. I carry this regret with me still. I'm not looking to blame my parents, but if your home environment is not stable or your parents like mine are recovering from World War II, it makes a child's opportunities obtaining success harder. Belittled and mocked, coupled with an unstable household is hard for a 5 year old child. I did not ask for this, it was your destiny. Why am I always apologising for the smallest of things? Does not matter what it is. your self-confidence is broken from an early age.